If you love someone who’s struggling with addiction, you’ve probably heard the word “enabling” tossed around. It’s a heavy word. It’s often used as a weapon to make family members feel like they’re the reason their loved one isn’t getting better.
I’ve sat in those shoes, and I know that what people call “enabling” usually starts as pure, desperate love. You pay the rent because you don’t want them to be homeless. You lie to their boss because you don’t want them to lose their job. You’re trying to keep their world from collapsing, hoping that if you can just hold things together long enough, they’ll find their way back.
But there’s a point where our “help” actually gets in the way of their “healing.” Let’s talk about the difference between enabling and empowering, and how to switch from one to the other.
What is Enabling, Really?
Enabling is when we step in to soften the natural consequences of someone’s substance use. It’s an act of protection, but it’s often protection that the other person didn’t ask for and shouldn’t have.
Common signs of enabling include:
- Cleaning up messes: Paying off debts, lying to family members, or making excuses for their behavior.
- Ignoring the elephant: Staying silent about the drug use to avoid a fight, even when it’s hurting you.
- Prioritizing their needs over your safety: Putting your financial, emotional, or physical health at risk to keep them “comfortable.”
The problem with enabling isn’t that you’re being “too nice.” It’s that you’re accidentally removing the very discomfort that often drives someone to seek change. If the “landing” is always soft, they never realize how far they’ve actually fallen.
What is Empowering?
Empowering is the opposite. It’s when you support the person, but you don’t support the addiction. It’s about giving them the tools to save themselves, rather than trying to be the saviour yourself.
Empowering looks like:
- Setting clear boundaries: “I love you and you’re always welcome here for dinner, but you can’t be in this house if you’re under the influence.”
- Offering specific help: Instead of giving cash (enabling), you offer to drive them to a meeting or help them research a detox center (empowering).
- Focusing on your own life: Taking care of your own mental health and showing them what a healthy, stable life looks like.
The Shift: How to Change the Pattern
Making the switch is incredibly hard because it feels like you’re being “mean.” It feels like you’re “abandoning” them. But it’s actually the most courageous thing you can do. Here’s how to start:
1. Stop the “Lies of Convenience” Next time someone asks where they are or why they missed an event, don’t make up a story about a “flu” or “car trouble.” You don’t have to tell the whole world the truth, but you can say: “I’m not sure where they are, you’ll have to ask them.” Let them own their own absences.
2. Offer “Resource” Help, Not “Rescue” Help If they come to you with a crisis, ask yourself: “Am I doing something for them that they are perfectly capable of doing for themselves?” If they need a job, don’t write the resume for them. Offer to let them use your laptop to write it themselves. Empowering means being a consultant, not an assistant.
3. Define Your “Non-Negotiables” You can’t control what they do, but you can control what happens in your space. Sit down and decide what you will no longer tolerate. Maybe it’s no substances in the house, or no late-night phone calls that involve verbal abuse. Communicate these boundaries when everyone is calm, and most importantly—stick to them.
4. Get Your Own Support You can’t pour from an empty cup. Whether it’s a support group for families or just a therapist who understands addiction, you need a place where you can be the one getting supported.
The Bottom Line
When we stop enabling, we aren’t “giving up” on our loved ones. We’re actually giving them back their dignity. We’re saying, “I believe you are strong enough to handle the consequences of your choices, and I believe you are capable of choosing a different path.”
It’s one of the hardest shifts you’ll ever make, but it’s often the one that finally opens the door to real recovery.
Horizon Recovery Initiative | Youth-Led Addiction Support 