The moment you realize someone you love is struggling with substance use, the world feels like it is shifting under your feet. It often starts as a nagging suspicion—a missed phone call, a change in personality, or a series of “financial emergencies” that don’t quite add up. Then, the suspicion hardens into a terrifying reality.
Your first instinct is likely a mix of panic and a desperate need to “fix” the situation. You want to lecture. You want to beg.You might even want to scream. But addiction is a disease of isolation, and in the world of recovery, we often say that “the opposite of addiction is connection.”
If you are standing on the outside looking in, wondering how to start a conversation that doesn’t end in a slammed door or a month of silence, this guide is for you. I’ve been through it, and I know how high the stakes can feel. Here’s some tips to approach the “unapproachable” conversation.
1. The Internal Work: Check Your Baggage
Before you even open your mouth, you have to look inward. If you approach your loved one while you are feeling white-hot anger or deep betrayal, that is exactly what they will hear, regardless of your words.
Ask yourself: Is my goal to make them feel guilty, or is my goal to let them know I’m a safe person to talk to? If it’s the former, wait. Guilt and shame are the primary fuels for substance use. If a person feels like a “moral failure” (a myth we fight hard to bust here at Horizon), they will use substances to numb that very feeling of failure. Enter the conversation with the mindset of a collaborator, not a prosecutor.
2. Strategic Timing: The “Level” Moment
In British Columbia, we are living through an unprecedented toxic drug crisis. The stakes have never been higher, which makes us want to rush in and “save” people immediately. However, you cannot have a productive conversation with someone who is currently under the influence.
In those moments, you aren’t talking to your brother, your daughter, or your friend; you are talking to the substance’s effect on their brain. Wait for a “level” moment—usually a quiet morning or a period of sobriety. Avoid times of high stress, like right before they head to work or during a family holiday. You want a neutral, private space where they don’t feel cornered or “ganged up on.”
3. The Power of “I” Statements
Communication experts and counselors emphasize “I” statements for a reason: they are impossible to argue with. When you say, “You are drinking too much,” the other person can say, “No, I’m not.” It becomes a stalemate.
But when you speak from your own experience, you own the truth. Try these instead:
- Instead of: “You’re always high and it’s ruining our family.”
- Try: “I’ve been feeling really lonely lately because I feel like we haven’t had a real conversation in weeks. I’m worried that we’re losing our connection.”
- Instead of: “You need to get help.”
- Try: “I’ve noticed you seem really stressed and overwhelmed lately, and it hurts me to see you struggling. I want you to know I’m in your corner.”
4. Ask Open-Ended Questions
Most people struggling with addiction are incredibly self-critical. They expect a lecture, so they’ve already built a mental wall to deflect your advice. You can bypass that wall by asking questions that require more than a “yes” or “no” answer.
- “What has life been feeling like for you lately?”
- “I’ve noticed things have changed—do you feel like yourself these days?”
- “What is the hardest part of your day right now?”
By asking rather than telling, you give them the agency to share their own pain. Often, the substance use is a “solution” they’ve found to an underlying problem—trauma, anxiety, or isolation. If you can get them to talk about the problem, you’re much closer to addressing the addiction.
5. Listen for the “Change Talk”
This is a technique used in Motivational Interviewing. While they talk, listen for any small spark of desire to change. They might say, “I’m just tired of feeling like this,” or “I wish I didn’t spend so much money last night.”
When you hear that, don’t pounce on it with a “See! I told you!” Instead, gently reflect it back: “It sounds like you’re really exhausted by the cycle. That makes total sense.”
6. Setting the “Internal” Boundary
You can control the invitation, but you cannot control their response. They may deny everything. They may get angry. They may gaslight you.
Before you start, decide what your “exit strategy” is. If the conversation turns into a circular argument, you have the right to protect your peace. You can say: “I love you too much to fight about this right now. I’m going to go for a walk, but I’m here whenever you’re ready to talk calmly. I’m not giving up on you.”
The Bottom Line: You Are a Bridge, Not a Savior
Ultimately, you didn’t cause this, you can’t control it, and you can’t cure it. What you can do is provide a bridge back to reality and connection. In a world that often treats people who use drugs with disposal and disdain, being the one person who offers a listening ear without a side of judgment is a radical act of love.
Sometimes, the most life-saving thing you can say is: “I don’t have all the answers, and I don’t know exactly what you’re going through—but I love you, and you don’t have to carry this alone.”
Horizon Recovery Initiative | Youth-Led Addiction Support 